Martini Cartwheels

A Spicy Tweet

2012-01-30T21:46:00.004-05:00

Ok, naive me was totally shocked to learn today that they actually pay celebraties to Tweet. And that most of the time, it is a ghost writer who creates the post. This is almost as shocking to me as the merkin.

And if I stumble upon Demi's 911 call one more time, I am going to smoke whatever spice I have available in the cabinet (a little Mrs. Dash perhaps) or maybe attempt a whippit (although I'm sure all I will get is whip cream up my nose) just so I don't have to listen to the tape for the 100th time. Can we leave the poor woman alone already?

Does A Bear Sit In Stiffy's Bathroom?

2012-01-27T20:14:00.005-05:00

Dear Stiffy,

Thank you very much for letting me stay at your house last night. It was so nice to spend time with you and the boys. Your friendship is something Blondie and I treasure.

When did you start collecting Kama Sutra bears? Lions and tigers and bears with erections, oh my.

Oh I can hear you now. "CJ those are his arms!" Ummm Stiffy....I don't know any member of the animal kingdom that has arms originating from the crotch area.

Don't worry. Your secret is safe with me. Sort of.

Whacha Eating?

2012-01-24T20:28:00.005-05:00

Oh goody. I found a Yorkie brownie while re-arranging a blanket in one of the dog beds today. Before you all "ooooohhhhh" me, I had this in my hand before I actually knew its origin. It's not liked I picked up after I figured it out.

This morning however, I had a treat that I look forward to every year - a paczki (pronounced poonch-key).

I was so excited. These delicious stuffed donuts are only available for a few weeks each year. So when I called my niece Shannon to wish her a happy 36th birthday I had to rub it in.

Me: Guess what I ate this morning? It's really yummy and it begins with a 'P'.

Shannon: That's a bit personal, don't you think?

Me: Not that! A paczki, a lemon filled paczki!

Imagine. She thought I was eating pickles for breakfast. That's funny.

A Hairy Situation

2012-01-22T21:03:00.007-05:00

I'd like to blog every day but funny doesn't happen all the time. And it rarely happens on this blog.

Question of the week - Am I the only person in America who doesn't know what a merkin is? I was listening to a radio show on the way to work where a reference was made to a "pet merkin". I thought it is was something like a ferret. Oh sure, there are similarities, but they are definitely not one in the same.

It's 9:30. I should be in bed and not sitting on the couch Googling merkin.

You know, there is actually a vineyard by that name. Can you imagine the wine tastings?

"Excuse me, but I think there is something floating in my drink."

"Oh, yes, we know. 1992 was an especially good year for merkins. Slight acidity with just a hint of apricot and melon."

See, I told you funny doesn't happen every day.

Addendum:

If my profile pic somehow gets associated with the search result for merkin (as it did for world's largest kielbasa) I'm deleting this post.

Addendum 2: Typos from last night have been corrected. Pay attention to dtail CJ, pay attentin.

We Need More Days Like This!

2012-01-10T21:17:00.003-05:00

Is it just me or does anyone else find this commercial makes them smile? I think life should be about having more "WEEEEEEEE" days! Now go shake things up and have some fun today. That's an order!

Her Name Is What?

2012-01-08T21:48:00.003-05:00

A picture of our good friend Stiffy came up during the photo viewing session mentioned in the previous post. Irene should probably consider wearing those hearing aids.........

Bowling Ball Portrait

2012-01-08T20:46:00.003-05:00

I was showing Irene* some pictures in my phone this evening when I came across this one. The face has been blurred to protect the innocent.

Anyway, Irene wanted to know why this person was standing between two bowling balls. I asked her to look closely. She mentioned bowling balls for a second time.

After a few seconds she blurted out "Are those tits?!"

Yes Irene, those would be them.

*Irene is my 86 year old mother who resides (much to her chagrin) in a nursing home.

Driving, Driving, Driving Revisited Again

2012-01-08T13:18:00.006-05:00

Just doing a little math here.

If I spend an average of 3 hours a day commuting (not counting those occasional 3 hour one way hellacious trips) and I go into the office 4 days a week, that's 12 hours a week in the car. Multiplied by 4 weeks a month and that is 48 hours.

Taking into account vacation, holidays, and personal time, I'll conservatively say I work 10 months a year. So ten months at 48 hours per month is 480 hours per year commuting.

Considering I am actually awake and productive for about 15 hours a day, I waste 32 days a year sitting in the car (20 actual days if you want to count a day as a full 24 hours). That's ~~fucking~~* crazy.

Is it really worth it?

*Removed gratuitous profanity as I do not want readers to think I have a potty mouth.

Here and There

2012-01-03T20:53:00.008-05:00

So if I was in my living room watching the game, how could I be at Gillette Stadium taking pictures of Tom Brady?

I took the bottom picture of the television with my Canon camera. I wasn't wearing a vest or a hat. And I didn't have the black camera strap around my neck. But it is still weird.

How I'm Spending My Winter Vacation

2011-12-29T08:13:00.004-05:00

Eating. Yup, that's how I am spending my week off.

Yesterday it was lunch at the Salem Cross Inn in West Brookfield, MA. According to their website:

The Salem Cross Inn is named for the witch-mark found on the front door-latch of the Inn. In the town of Salem and throughout the Bay Colony this mark was used to protect their inhabitants against "ye evills of witchcraft and diverse other manifestations of deviltry."

You can see the hexmark in the picture above. It obviously doesn't protect the inhabitants against gluttony, as I cleaned every morsel off my plate. I then got on my broom and flew home, whereupon I stretched out on the floor and fell asleep in front of the fireplace. When I awoke, it was time for a snack. Peanut brittle - from the box to my mouth with not one conscious thought as to my caloric intake for the day.

And guess what? It's time for breakfast and I could really go for some pancakes. Wonder what my New Year's resolution should be. Oh yeah, it was to do more blogging.

Promises, Promises

2011-12-26T07:45:00.006-05:00

This has not been a productive year for me with blog posting at all. One of my resolutions is to try to be better. Promise, promise, promise.

The other thing I promise is to not pretend I am Stiffy when she forgets to log out of her Facebook account on my iPad. Sure, I thought it was important to let the world know that Stiffy loves to sing and crochet, that she felt like tap dancing, and that she was looking to buy a used horse to ride to work. But still, it wasn't nice of me. Sorry Stiffy. And tell your aunt she can stop looking for that horse for you.

On a totally different topic, I received a very cool Christmas gift from Blondie. It's called a fitbit and it is the neatest gadget. I clip it to my pants and it tracks my steps, calories, and flights of stairs. There is an application to use in conjunction with the fitbit in which you can enter your weight, food, and water intake. Now here is the ultra cool thing it does - it tracks my sleep when I wear it at night. All the information is wirelessly uploaded to the application. So when I got up this morning, I could see that it took me 6 minutes to fall asleep, that I slept for 8 hours 6 minutes, and that I woke up 16 times. It is my incentive to move my ass a bit more (after January 1 of course).

Blondie also got me 4 bars of organic stone ground dark chocolate. Refer back to the above paragraph.

Now get out there and start hitting the post Christmas sales at the mall!

My Favorite Things

2011-12-06T21:31:00.005-05:00

Models in poses and gin from Great Britain,

tight summer t-shirts that show of your tittens,

white takeout styrofoam full of hot wings,

these are a few of my favorite things.

Gold colored Yorkies but not dancing Poodles,

hair gels and sport gels and notepads with doodles.

Blue pouches that carry a Tiffany ring,

these are a few of my favorite things.

Dykes on big Harley's with loud pipes that do scream,

cute Femmes that ride on the back of those machines,

silver white hair that the years often bring,

these are a few of my favorite things.

When the wine spills, when your kid steals,

when you're drunk a tad,

Just simply remember Martini Cartwheels,

and then you won't feel so bad.

Apologies to Julie Andrews and the Von Trapps for mangling this otherwise beautiful song.

Cookie Cutters

2011-12-04T14:24:00.003-05:00

Every year around this time, our neighbor McCheesy and her husband McMeaty host a cookie swap. It's a really great event, something Blondie and I always look forward to. There's fun people, amazing food, and cookies galore. The premise of the event is simple. Everyone brings 5 dozen cookies to share with the group. In return, each person gets to go home with a ton of various types of delicious cookies.

One of the highlights of the afternoon is when all the ladies gather round the living room to discuss what type of confection they made and what inspired them to do so. It usually goes something like this:

"I made a petite double layer chocolate cookie with crème fraîche and toasted almonds."
"This year I tried my hand at making cookies with white ganache and fresh organic strawberries."
"I went with my all time favorite recipe, peanut butter melt-a-ways with marshmallow fondant."

Then comes our turn:

"This year Blondie and I went all out and decided not to buy cookies at Costco. We actually made M&M cookies. Some are a little burnt. Watch your teeth on the ones near the middle of the plate. Can I have some more wine?"

Ok all you cookie makers out there. We obviously need help. We are supposed to RSVP today with what we are bringing. Any suggestions?

Nicki Birthday Wishes!

2011-12-03T08:44:00.007-05:00

Blondie and I went to a bitching 40th surprise party last night for our gal pal Nicki (who is looking absolutely fabulous I might add). Since the actual birthday isn't until this weekend, I thought I would help her out by letting her know what to expect when she wakes up on Sunday morning, her first day on a new decade of life.

You won't be able to read. Put another way, YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO READ.
Every calorie you eat, be it from an apple or a potato chip, will take approximately 237 hours of running on the treadmill to burn off.
Remember the Bain Du Soleil lady? Well, she remembers you. And she apologizes for lying about Orange Gelee Number 4.
At best, there is only another 7 years or so before your body's thermostat raises your inner core to a temperature somewhere between that of molten lava and the bowels of hell. Mind you, this will only happen when you are trying to fall asleep at night or in a meeting at work.
You will change your mind about pajama jeans.
You find yourself preferring to stay at home and watch television on a Friday night instead of going out. And Saturday night. Maybe even Sunday.
You will look even more beautiful than you do today. Because in my humble opinion, women in their 40's and older are hot (and not just from the flashing mentioned above in number 4).

Happy Birthday Nicki. Enjoy your special weekend, party like a rock star, and remember a cute pair of reading cheaters is available at any local CVS.

Holler!

2011-11-27T20:34:00.017-05:00

I want to give a shout out to friend, fellow blogger and filmmaker, Laine, was interviewed Sunday evening on A World Of Progress Radio where she discussed her current project.

I think this film is going to have it all - intrigue, drama, suspense. And it's based on lesbian characters. What more could a girl ask for?

Please see Laine's website, Magnolia Bay Films, for additional details.

Could You Carry This For Me?

2011-11-20T21:45:00.004-05:00

Mellow weekend. I spent Friday night and just about all of Saturday at home, sitting in front of the television watching shows with titles like "Lockup - Inside [Insert Name Here] Women's Penitentiary."

There was a woman who hid four methadone pills in a body cavity which were discovered during a strip search. You know, sometimes I just want to bring an aspirin or two when I head out for the day. And not being one to carry a pocketbook - well, I guess I have my solution. But I'll take the vitamins before I leave the house. Those things are horse pills.

Now if I could just find a place for my umbrella.

Reach Out And Touch Someone

2011-11-17T21:39:00.009-05:00

So if you heard the phrase "Can I just grab your extension?", you would be:

a) Sitting in your living room watching a porno

b) Having a fun time on a date

c) In a meeting with me, wondering in amazement, why I would use that terminology to ask for a male co-worker's phone number.

As soon as "grab" left my mouth, I knew the words were just spewing out with no thought process involved.

Hung Out To Dry

2011-11-08T21:31:00.004-05:00

Do you have this problem too? You check all, and I mean all, the pockets before you put the pants in the washing machine. Then when you go to move the clothes from the washer to the dryer, you find a tattered mess of tissue sticking to everything.

The Kleenex Fairy was not nice to me this morning. Unless I have started to stick a tissue up my sleeve (and I really hope I have not become my mother just yet), there is no way that this object was in any of the pants prior to me closing the lid on the washing machine.

I think the Kleenex Fairy is in cahoots with the Sock Fairy - only difference being one gives and one takes.

This Side Of The Room...

2011-11-05T09:29:00.001-04:00

If you're out of power and you know it, clap your hands.

If you're out of power and you know it, clap your hands.

If you're out of power and you know it, then your hair will truly show it, if you're smelly and you know it clap your dirty hands.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Full Moon

2011-11-03T19:42:00.001-04:00

The problem with having a well is if the power goes out, you have no water. Which means you need to conserve toilet flushes. It takes about 2 gallons of water to fill the tank. Every day we have been filling up 5 one gallon plastic bottles at Blondie's parent's house and bringing them back home.

Tonight we used up about 3 gallons as the tank was on E and the bowl was not. That's when I decided I had had enough. Time to start peeing outside.

Blondie opened the front door as I was mid-stream and pointed her flashlight in my direction. As the beam reflected off my lilly white ass, I could have sworn I heard one of my neighbors exclaim "Honey! The power must have been restored! There's a spotlight coming from the lesbian's house!"

Ok, maybe it was just my imagination. But it is our 6th night of being in the dark and I think I may be starting to hallucinate. Just a little bit.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:My Driveway

Essentials

2011-11-02T10:10:00.001-04:00

All you really need is some snow, beer, bubblegum vodka, and turkey meatballs.

Everyday there is no power,I move a more few inches toward induction into the White Trash Hall Of Fame.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

In The Dark

2011-11-02T08:43:00.001-04:00

Still no power, heat, or running water since this past Saturday. The latest update from the power company says we should have service Friday at midnight.

We've eaten most of the junk food in the house. We have even finished off the light beer (oh the horror of it all!)

I am on vacation this week which saves my coworkers from having to look at my bed head. Pretty.

Signing off for now,
Stinky McSmelly
aka CJ

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Conversations With Irene October 22, 2011

2011-10-23T20:29:00.003-04:00

Irene hams it up for the camera.

Just after we shot this, she asked me if my chest had gotten bigger. Then she lifted up her shirt to show me she had gone up a bra size or two. Mind you, although no one was in the room with us, we were sitting in a common area.

Social Sinning

2011-10-18T06:03:00.001-04:00

So last week I committed the cardinal sin of FUI - Facebooking Under The Influence. And I may have, kind of sort of, posted something about the Occupy Wall Street people that made me sound like a bit of a heartless whiney bitch. The gist of the post was that I had little sympathy for the occupiers since I commute 2+ hours one way to work every day and don't get home until 12 hours after I leave the house.

To redeem myself, here is my explanation. You see, here in Massachusetts we are subjected to the news, pictures, and videos of Occupy Boston. And unlike New York, the Massachusetts occupiers primarily seem to be spoiled recent college grads from Northeastern or Boston University who owe 100K plus in school loans and who are very pissed off for not yet being welcomed into Massachusetts upper middle class society even though they majored in something like Ancient Herbal Teas of the Old World or The Biology of Psychosis In Tree Dwelling Marsupials.

And that to me is annoying. That being said, I do believe corporate greed is out of control, that we are losing the middle class, that those who are fortunate to have great financial success should be willing to help out those who may need a helping hand, and that something has got to be done to turn this economy around or we are all going to be in deeper doo doo than we are now.

Now excuse me while I go occupy my car for my hellacious 68 mile commute to Boston.

Irene Conversation Of The Day October 16, 2011

2011-10-17T06:50:00.001-04:00

Irene can be a little feisty at times. This weekend, while I was visiting her at the nursing home, she peaked out from her room into the hallway and spied the lift scale they use to weigh the residents, whereupon she blurted out an expletive or two and took a firm stand on not getting out of bed to get into that thing.

====

Irene: You know, I weigh 90 pounds now.

[Last week she told my sister and me she weighed 190 pounds - actual weight is probably around 125]

Me: I thought that is what you weighed when you first came here.

Irene: No, when I first got here, I weighed 9 or 10 pounds. That doesn't sound right does it?

===

No Irene, that doesn't sound right at all. I know for a fact that when you were first admitted, you weighed at least 12 pounds.

Hey, you can laugh or cry. I choose to laugh.

Commercial Property

2011-10-16T08:35:00.007-04:00

I'm a little upset this morning. It appears that someone has stolen my likeness and associated it to their product. I know what you are thinking - it must be for some sexy underwear ad. Shocking, but no. Even though I must say a "Make Your Double A's Take Her Breath Away" campaign, featuring yours truly, might be a really big hit.

No, apparently my look appeals more to a sporty, fun loving, young audience. Like the ones that play video games for example. Hockey video games to be exact. Lovely.

Thanks Stiffy for thinking of me and passing along this image. Oh, and just to make matters worse, it was Stiffy's 8 year old son who pointed it out. And Stiffy agreed.

Questions, Questions

2011-10-04T21:20:00.002-04:00

How many questions does one have to answer before you are actually allowed to pump the gas?

1. Rewards Card? -----> I hit Yes

2. Point Balance is 500 - Redeem? ------> I hit No

3. Debit Card? -------> I hit No

4. Car Wash Today? -----> I hit No

5. Would you like a receipt? ------> I hit No

6. Pap Smear? ------> I ran away.

Irene Conversation Of The Day October 1, 2011

2011-10-01T10:57:00.004-04:00

The following is a recent conversation I had with my 86 year old Mother Irene.

Irene: Do you make good money?

Me: Good is a relative term. What do you mean by good?

Irene: Do you make at least $75.00 a week?

Me: Yes, I make at least $75.00 a week.

Irene: Then you're rich. Where else are you going to make that kind of money?

Me: Oh, I don't know. McDonalds?

A Repost - A Poem For Fall

2011-09-29T05:45:00.002-04:00

Given my recent eating frenzy, I thought a re-post of this may be in order:

Pumpkin this and pumpkin that,

Fall is here and I feel fat.

Cider donuts, apple pies,

Adding inches to my thighs.

Football snacks and mugs of beer,

Up a size oh dear, oh dear.

It's time to stop, it's time to quit,

I think I felt my pants just split.

Yeah Fall!!!!!!

Feed Me!

2011-09-28T09:04:00.005-04:00

No, I'm not hunched over from stomach cramps. But I should be. We have been to The Big E five times this season (so far). I have consumed so much fried food that I am going to have to eat oatmeal with every meal for the next five years in order to get my cholesterol back in check. I'm eating some right now.

Here's a partial list: fried Oreos, fried Snickers, fried corn kernels, fried camembert cheese, apple pie with cheese, baked potato with cheese, blueberry crisp, cheese curds, pizza, nachos, cheese plate (with grapes = healthy), lobster rolls, maple cream cone (like maple syrup but in cream form), blueberry juice (another healthy choice), polish plates (pierogi, kapusta, kielbasa), and a reuben sandwich. And of course, craft beer from around New England.

Gluttony. Pure gluttony. And I loved every bite.

The Great State Fair

2011-09-26T20:05:00.004-04:00

You can see a lot of interesting things at a State Fair. These alien dolls seemed a little out of place to me. Not as out of place however, as the beer bellied dude wearing a t-shirt that read "I'm Not A Gynecologist But I'll Take A Look." Funny, because I'm not a proctologist - but I can spot an ahole a mile away.

Bet you meet a lot of women that way stud.

Ladies and Gentlemen Take My Advice, Pull Down Your Pants and Slide On The Ice

2011-09-26T19:45:00.006-04:00

Bummer! While this person was sitting on the grass cracking jokes with a friend, our spy cam captured this shot.

Ok, ok, not nice I know. Probably a new low, even for me. Butt it wasn't my idea - it was Stiffy's. And besides, wouldn't you feel a little breeze if your backside was exposed like this?

Coffee Talk

2011-09-22T20:35:00.007-04:00

September is one of the worst driving months of the year. Back to school, back to work - where were all these maniacs all summer?

I've had a few 2.5 hour morning commutes and even some 3 hour ones. I pass the time by listening to talk radio, talking on the phone, pulling into the rest area for coffee, and flipping off the other drivers. Hey - it ain't easy commuting with all those Massholes.

I stopped for coffee on the way home the other day, something I usually don't do. I pulled up to the drive-thru, placed my order, and answered politely with a "Yes, Sir" when asked if the order was complete. Unfortunately when she handed me my coffee and repeated what I owed, the voice coming out of this body matched the voice that came out of the speaker when I ordered my beverage. Whoops. That'll teach me to be so freaking polite.

Irene Question Of The Day September 10, 2011

2011-09-10T20:53:00.008-04:00

Had a nice visit today with Irene. Above is a picture of a bracelet she made. She was wearing it but told me she didn't really like it. I said I would take it. It reminds me of her when I wear it.

Irene: Have you seen Sonny Bono lately on the TV?

Me: No. Sonny Bono?

[Irene with puzzled look]

Me: You mean Chaz Bono?

Irene: Oh yes, Chaz. Who was Sonny? His father?

Me: Yes.

Irene: Imagine all he has been through to change his body.

Me: Yeah, quite a bit.

Irene: How do you make a penis?

I didn't answer. I mean, if I told her (2 cups flour, pinch of salt, 1/2 cup of beer, and 2 eggs) she wouldn't remember anyway.

**For those of you new to my Irene posts, Irene is my 86 year old Mother. She is currently residing in a nursing home, much to her to chagrin.

Miss Gulch Rides Again

2011-09-05T12:22:00.003-04:00

Please tell me why riding a bicycle was easier on my one speed banana seat bike then it is on my 21 speed. Blondie and I had purchased bikes many years ago and never really used them much. Well, we decided to get back on them this weekend. And apparently we now live in the hilliest section of the world. Up and down, up and down (my head bobbing for oxygen, not the terrain.)

Bike shorts? I never had bike short as a kid. So why does my ass hurt despite all the padding on my behind? (No comments on the padding please - it is implied that some of the padding is built into the shorts and some is natural.)

Blondie is a good riding partner. She is constantly looking over her shoulder to make sure I haven't collapsed during the climb. Of course, in my bright orange biking shirt she may just mistake me for a traffic cone one day and keep right on going.

Happy Labor Day! Keep on pedaling.

Women's Tops Half Off

2011-09-03T15:49:00.003-04:00

Yes, I say that outfit was 50% off.

Leave it to Blondie to notice this window display as we were walking through the mall this afternoon.

I'm not quite sure what the buy one get one refers to. I thought these things were usually sold in pairs.

Am I A Bad Friend?

2011-08-30T20:29:00.009-04:00

Does it make me a bad friend if I laughed so hard I nearly peed when Stiffy told me she caught son number 2 using her neti pot? I mean that in and of itself may not be so funny. But he was using it while he was taking a shower - to wash his butt crack. And she's pretty sure this wasn't the first time. So Stiffy was basically washing out her sinuses with a spigot that had been in someone else's nether regions. I'm still giggling.

As bad as this was, I'm not quite sure it tops the incident Stiffy had with her other son. Stiffy couldn't quite figure why her face was breaking out. After all, she took good care of her skin, washing her face morning and evening with her Dove moisturizing bar, which was kept, like the neti pot, in the shower. And you guessed it. Her soap had been somewhere it probably should not have been if it was going to be shared among family members. Yes, Stiffy was literally shit faced.

I love my Stiffy. But from now on, I'm not ever using anything I find in her shower. Unless of course it is one of her fancy shampoos. Then I may make an exception.

Stiffy's Ear Candle

2011-08-28T19:31:00.009-04:00

Hmmmm, what to do, what to do when you are feeling trapped inside on a rainy day? I know, let's stick candles in our ears and light them on fire! [The candles that is, not our ears hopefully.]

However, it may be best to read the instructions prior to lighting the candle. Oh what the hell. Let's just figure it out as we go along.

One of the highlights of the afternoon was Stiffy's topless walk from the kitchen to her bedroom. Those pesky ashes. Not quite sure how they got all over her shirt.

Hope your hurricane party was as fun as ours was!

Found It!

2011-08-27T22:36:00.005-04:00

The septic man came to the house and had me drop a little blue plastic thingy down the toilet. He then went out in the yard and scanned the ground with something that looked vaguely like a metal detector. It beeped. He dug. And lo and behold, there it was!

He opened in the lid. It was like a giant pool of toilet/sink/shower waste. And the first thought that raced through my mind was "When did we have corn?"

Coconuts In A Jar

2011-08-15T20:24:00.006-04:00

Do you use coconut oil? If so, do you think it really has all the health benefits the write-ups claim?

I tried a spoonful of it today. It looks like lard but tastes pretty darn good. I haven't tried the manna yet, but it smells delicious. I'm thinking of throwing one or the other in smoothies and oatmeal. I still feel a bit unsure - it just looks like it would clog the heck out of your arteries. But from what I've read that is not the case at all.

If anyone has any thoughts, suggestions, recipies on how to use this stuff, I would love to hear from you.

Hold Onto Your Hat!

2011-08-13T07:24:00.014-04:00

The beach hat - fashion accessory or personal protective equipment (PPE)?

With all the talk of sun safety, beach hats are now as common as coolers and and umbrellas. Here are a few examples.

The Big Brim Baby Blue Beach Beanie:

This hat has three functions. First, it keeps the sun of your face and the face of everyone else in your party. Second, it serves as a landing spot for seagulls and seaplanes. Lastly, it converts to a picnic table on which you can set all your beach snacks.

The Two Hats Are Better Than One Hat:

Hmmmm. White visor or straw beach hat? Stop stressing over the decision and wear both! You get the protection of a wide brim hat plus the sportiness of a visor all rolled into one here. Tennis anyone?

The Plain Jane Chapeau:

What do you get when you cross Roseanne Rosannadanna + Bozo + Wayne from Wayne's World?

You get me in a baseball cap! Apparently the pressure from the cap pushes all my hair out at a right angle from the side of my head. Now that's fierce fashion.

Also, please notice my additional PPE of a long sleeve shirt. You can never be too careful. My attire, coupled with my 100 SPF, left me whiter than I was before I left home. Party on Garth.

Slip Sliding Away

2011-08-12T08:28:00.005-04:00

A group of us are having a weight loss competition. It goes for 10 weeks and the goal is to lose a pound a week. For every week you don't lose a pound, you have to put $5.00 in the kitty. At the end of 10 weeks the one with the greatest percentage of weight loss gets the pot.

Two weeks in and I owe 5 bucks. Not such a great start but I'm confident I can do this. One person has already lost five pounds (would you eat something Mindy for fuck's sake?)

You know I love me some Stiffy. She decided to join a gym to help her in her weight loss quest. Stiffy is not really a gym rat. At all. The gym however, has tanning, which is something Stiffy does like. So the other night when she was at the gym she stripped down to her undies, disinfected the the tanning bed, and attempted to slide in - without drying the bed first. And then she somehow flew out of the bed onto the floor, thong intact but slightly shaken. Stiffy, Stiffy, Stiffy. You know I love you woman but I am still laughing my butt off thinking about this. Next time you want some color just come over to the Wet Spot. I promise you won't fall off the lounge chair and I'll make you some kick ass Margaritas (after I seat belt you to your chair).

Have You Seen My Key (Words)

2011-08-07T10:49:00.013-04:00

If you use Stat Counter or another analytics tool, you can find the most common search keywords that direct people to your blog. Here are my recent keywords as of today:

porn actress roniqa: I have a friend with a similar name that I have mentioned once or twice on this blog. To the best of my knowledge, she is not a porn star. However, Blondie and I did go to a strip club with her once and had a most excellent time.

mouse droppings in pool: I've referenced our pool, aka "The Wet Spot" and "That hole in the ground into which I pour water and money". Every now and again I have had to retrieve a mouse from the pool, who although shit scared, prefers to leave all his droppings in the shed prior to going for a swim.

blondies teeth: Yes, I did blog about Blondie's teeth. Because she still has them, and I'm not taking about the ones in her head. She has her baby teeth along with some of the dog's puppy teeth tucked away. I plan to string them together one day to make a lovely necklace for her.

ding dong cart: The Ding Dong cart was a topic of interest in one post. For those of you not from New England, the Ding Dong cart is the name for the ice cream trucks that drive around the neighborhood in the summer, taunting children with their familiar music and then quickly speeding up and driving away as they come running out the backyard with money in hand.

naked in the snow: I have never been naked in the snow or written about it. I have been naked in The Wet Spot on more than one occassion but only during the summer months.

large flesh colored tick dog: What the hell is a tick dog?

naked **** with stiffys: The only stiffy I post about is my friend Stiffy whose nickname does not derive from the kind of stiffy that I'm pretty certain is referred to in that search term. Also, if I were to write about such a thing, I would use the proper terminology - woody.

dding: I had a post entitled "DDing Tonight" which was about being the designated driver for the evening. That post gets a lot of hits and I never knew why. A little Internet search revealed that DDing Boo is the nickname for someone called Sexy Lance. Ahhhh - so now I get it. Yeah right.

Septic Tank Geo-Tracking

2011-08-06T07:06:00.006-04:00

So 60 feet from some iron pin on the right side and 96 feet from some prop pin (whatever the heck that is) is the outlet to our septic tank which I must find and expose in order to have the septic tank pumped. It's like geo-tracking in your backyard only the prize isn't some sort of treasure - it's not having whatever went down the drain and the toilet in the past five years flow into the house.

See the number 2 on the map above? That's it. Number 2 is what I have to find so I don't find number 2 someplace else, namely the kitchen floor.

Now who knows how to read that freaking map shown above?

When Large Is Small

2011-07-24T21:13:00.008-04:00

On what planet do the makers of women's exercise shorts live? Whatever that planet is, the women who live there must all weigh 75 pounds. The shorts displayed in this picture are a size large. I was surprised to find they were not 50% off since half of the material required for a size large was missing from said article of clothing.

I would be lucky to fit this around my head, never mind my ass. Can you imagine? Tammy Tuck-Up Camel Toe would be my new nick name if ever presented myself in public wearing these beauties.

I'll stick to men's workout shorts. They may not be as sexy, but at least I won't have to dislocate my hips to get them on.

Sing, Sing A Song

2011-07-19T21:03:00.005-04:00

Ever done a sing-a-long at a nursing home? It just so happens there was one at the nursing home where my mother Irene resides and I was lucky enough to be visiting at the time.

Irene was complaining about how boring these sing-a-longs are. The activities director passed out the song sheets and put on the music. Irene pouted.

So in order to make it more fun for her, I modified the lyrics a bit. What the hell I thought - everyone in there is deaf and I was positioned just behind Irene where I could whisper the new lyrics in her ear.

Here's a sampling of some of the songs we sang (with modified titles for added enjoyment):

My Drunken Irish Nose

School Gays

Homo On The Range

Oh You Beautiful Blow Up Doll

Sometimes instead of changing the title of the song within the lyrics, I changed an entire line:

Give My Regards To Broadway

Whisper of how I'm yearning,

To mingle with the old time throng,

Give my regards to old Broadway

And say that I'll be wearing my thong.

There's A Long Long Trail

There's a long, long night of waiting
Until my dreams all come true;
Till the day when I'll be going down
Going, down on you.

Red River Valley

Come and sit by my side, if you love me

Do not hasten to bid me adieu

Just remember the Red River Valley

And the time that I pooped on your shoe.

And the best part of all of this nonsense - Irene was laughing out loud. She

gets a a real kick out of her potty mouth youngest daughter. Never stop

laughing.

Out With It

2011-07-16T07:38:00.005-04:00

Because I love and admire my blog readers, all three of you, I feel as though I must be totally honest in order to continue our relationship. So today I am coming out as bi.

I had put this off for as long as I could. I tolerated the uncomfortableness of it all, just to keep my little secret safe. However, I am tired of not being able to experience both those things right under my nose and those that are coming down the road. Yes my friends, I am getting bifocals.

Being bifocaled is nothing of which to be ashamed. I will wear my new lineless bifocal glasses with pride. I will buy stylish readers at the local drugstore to counter the strength of my new contacts which will now prevent me from reading menus and magazines (no bifocal contacts - I do have my limits you know.)

At times there will be challenges. But with the support of you my blog friends I know I will stay strong. Bifocal pride - let's read something together. Peace.

Introducing Pippa!

2011-07-11T21:33:00.007-04:00

Pippa and Boo Boo taking a little rest

I would like to introduce you to Pippa, the newest member of our family. She is a two and a half year old Yorkshire Terrier. She is a real sweetie and is getting along with Boo Boo just fine.

If a year ago you told me our sweet Coco Chanel and precious Cierra Belle would both be gone, I'm not sure I would have believed it. We can never replace The Girlz and they will live forever in our hearts. We miss them every day.

Today we are fortunate to have Boo Boo and Pippa in our lives. And we will not take them for granted, not for a single second. They are wonderful girls. I think Coco and Cierra would approve.

Coco and Cierra in November 2010

Colloquialisms That Annoy Me

2011-07-09T18:40:00.004-04:00

I've decided I hate the term "bitter sweet". From now on, I am going to substitute the term "sweet and sour". It is somewhat comforting for me to infuse the thought of Chinese food into a situation that is only half good.

I also am not fond of "back in the day". I am changing that to "back before I was gay", which would cover the time period prior to my conception in the fall of 1963. To refer to things that happened prior to my 16th birthday, I will say "back when I had no pay". For my college years, "back when I was to drunk to say". And for the time period covering my twenties and thirties, I like "back before I wasn't afraid to tell you what I weigh".

------------

Random thought - I discovered that I am addicted to pre-sliced cheddar. I have my neighbor McCheesy to thank for this as she dropped off the aforementioned dairy item at our house last week. I've been throwing those tasty little squares down my gullet all week. Even last night, after coming home from a nice dinner, I had to have several slices (with a glass of milk mind you) prior to retiring to the bedroom. Cheese fries, cheese thighs, I've got hankering for the pre-sliced cheddar 'cause there is nothing better.

How To Sleep On A Ferry

2011-07-03T21:47:00.002-04:00

Our play date went by in a jiffy.

But it tired out my friend Stiffy.

Because of the booze,

She decided to snooze.

And when she awoke she was nifty.

A Full Day of Fun + Sun = Nighty Night

2011-07-03T19:16:00.003-04:00

Hey Girls! Maybe we should have skipped that last round of drinks at the tea dance? Not even the sugar in the salt water taffy could keep these four awake on the ferry ride home from Provincetown. Must have been all that dancing!

At least Stiffy had the right idea when she found a row of empty seats.

Name That Leftover

2011-06-14T20:37:00.007-04:00

Age: 5 Days

Source: Family Style Restaurant

Place of Origin: Wilbraham, Massachusetts

Price: $8.00 for a pair

Would I get this again: Probably

Did this give me a stomach ache: No

Did this give me gas: No

Goes well with: Beer, White Wine (what doesn't?)

Miscellaneous Note: Lactaid may be necessary prior to eating this, a defibrillator may necessary be post consumption.

I am a ?

My Drawers Are Buzzing

2011-06-12T09:53:00.003-04:00

Why is my cell phone in the toothpaste drawer? And why is the toothpaste on the counter?

Must have been a fun night. Somebody please tell me I didn't do karaoke.

A cheeseburger, chocolate shake, and fries at 11:00pm? That PuPu Platter for 3 must not have filled me up.

The diet starts today. Right after I finish up those leftover crab rangoons.

That Voodoo That You Do

2011-06-11T12:24:00.006-04:00

My niece recently took a business trip to New Orleans and brought me back a Voodoo Doll. It came complete with pins and instructions. I'm thinking of bringing it to work and keeping it on my desk. Will that look bad?

It's been said that those currently under the influence of a Voodoo spell will not be able to read the words printed on the inside of the doll case (shown above). I have no problem so I'm thinking I am ok.

I won't actually use it of course, as I am pretty superstitious and I wouldn't want to put the whammy on anyone, even someone who is a total pain in the ass. Plus, I would first have to get a piece of their hair and it would look odd to walk up to someone pull out a lock from their head. They might get mad and kick me in the shins.

The doll can be used for good. There are pins for success, power, spirituality, money, and love, each one represented by a different color. I am going to add an amber colored pin for Sam Adams lager, as you never know when you may be in an establishment that only serves PBR in cans.

I've never seen or owned one of these. I don't think they are that easy to find. It's not like they make an American Girl Voodoo Doll.

Thanks to my niece for thinking of me. And thanks for bringing me home the doll instead of the shrunken head.

Say What?

2011-06-11T12:23:00.001-04:00

How do you handle speaking in front of a group of people? I don't have to do it that often, only twice since I've been at my recent job, but it is not something I feel very comfortable doing.

Inevitably, I found myself in that place where my mouth is moving and words are coming out but my brain is three steps ahead trying to think of the next thing to say. And then at some point the brain stops thinking, the mouth catches up, and I wind up saying something that just doesn't flow quite right.

Also, I never know quite how to finish the talk. I call it my Porky Pig moment. "And that's what we hope to accomplish with this upgrade. Tha tha tha that's all folks."

The other things I worry about are probably pretty common. Is my fly up? Will I have a choking fit? What if there are technical difficulties? How the hell do I pronounce this person's last name? Will anyone notice I peed in my pants? Will that shot of vodka alter my speech?

If anyone of you have any tips, I would love to hear them. Until then - tha tha tha that's all folks.

Waiting For The Storm To Pass Through This Part Of The State

2011-06-01T17:59:00.001-04:00

I am currently sitting on the floor in the Sheraton Hotel in Framingham. I pulled in off the highway about 30 minutes ago. Tornadoes have touched down in western Mass and are moving through the state.

A few minutes after entering the building, the alarm sounded and we were instructed to move to the basement. Waiting out the storm...

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Goodnow Ln,Framingham,United States

Irene Quote Of The Day May 31, 2011

2011-05-31T20:53:00.004-04:00

Don't let that cute little smile fool you. She's an 86 year old Tiger Mom.

Had a nice chat with Irene and the ladies tonight at the nursing home. The activities director had gathered us all in a semi-circle to discuss the events scheduled for June. She's trying to get my mother to run for a position on the Resident Council. I'm sure Irene won't run, but I think it's good to encourage her nonetheless.

I love sitting with the ladies. It's totally like the movie "Groundhog Day". I get asked the same questions every time I visit. Actually, I get asked the same questions every five minutes. God bless 'em. They are pretty sweet.

As we sat and chatted a bit longer, Irene turned to me and said "You have nice hands. I can tell you don't do any housework".

Well, I'm not sure how nice my hands actually are. I think they are ok. They are soft from all the suntan lotion I put on them and from Yorkie kisses. And of course, because I don't do housework. Mothers know everything.

Back To The Grind (And I Don't Mean Coffee)

2011-05-30T21:45:00.008-04:00

I was on vacation last week. Ok, so I worked a little bit from home last Sunday and Monday but other than that, I was on total vacation mode. A Duck Boat tour in Boston, a day trip to Vermont, lots of eating - just an all around relaxing time.

That groove ended today when I took a peak at my work email and saw I had 700* + new emails. How can that be? Seriously, that is just crazy. I can't imagine how many emails the important people must get.

I'm working from home tomorrow. And I refuse to get stressed. Refuse, refuse, refuse. If it takes me until noon to get through them all, so be it.

Now if I can just relax enough to get a good night's sleep, I'll be all set. Night all.

View of downtown Boston from the Charles River

*Ok, it seems 700 emails is not a true fact. After logging in to work using remote desktop, I only had 435 new emails. It appears that the other 300 or so were already read. In my defense however, when I made the original statement about the 700+ emails I had been looking at the unread email count for my work account on my iPad. Whew - what a relief.

Of Mice and Sheds

2011-05-30T09:51:00.005-04:00

At first it wasn't obvious. A few droppings here and there, a bit of seed over in the corner - nothing I couldn't handle. It wasn't until I started the clean up that I fully understood what transpired during the winter months. An entire neighborhood of mouse condos had been constructed in our pool shed sometime between November and May.

There were the high rise condos, built in the loft area. These were the expensive units, made of the finest inflatable pool toy plastic. They were "painted" in lovely shades of blue and green which used to be the color of the pricey solar rings we had been using to warm up the pool last summer. They were the Trump Towers of Mouseville.

There were also the water view units on the window sill, not as spacious as the high rise units, but very sunny and affordable.

The most popular dwelling appeared to be the garden apartments underneath the shelving on which the grass seed used to sit. I found an entire bag of seed plus an equivalent amount of droppings on the floor under the bottom shelf.

And then there was the stains - on the floor, on the pool equipment, on yard tools - which looked suspiciously like blood. Yuck. No one wants to float on a pool toy covered in mouse poop and blood, not even after ten frozen Margaritas.

So who knows a humane deterrent to keep these little monsters from re-building their village now that the clean up is done?

Hello?

2011-05-21T23:23:00.004-04:00

Hey! Did any of you get raptured? I did not,but I am worried about all my fellow blog friends.

I was at at a gay bar, so I was pretty sure no rapturing would be happening around me. Please, check in with a simple quick message to let me know you are alright.

It's 11:27 on the east coast so I think we are all clear but you know how I worry.

And one more side note - What the fuck is wrong with those who thought something would actually happen today? Your 15 minutes are up.

Rapture.

A Rainy Saturday In Noho

2011-05-15T11:53:00.005-04:00

It's Saturday. It's raining. What to do, what to do? I know, let's go to Northampton!

It's important that women get enough calcium:

And drinking in moderation is best. So we'll use the tiny glasses please:

Here's to more rainy Saturdays!

Note To Self: Check Pockets Prior To Doing Laundry

2011-05-11T22:29:00.004-04:00

When you leave these in a pocket, they make one hell of a mess in the washing machine.

They are as absorbent as 50 pound sand bags. Now I know how to drain the excess water out of the pool. Just float a couple dozen of these babies on the surface - no need to unwrap them - and let the magic happen. Sweet.

Miscellaneous Musings on Recent Events

2011-05-07T10:50:00.004-04:00

Other than the double tap, how did you enjoy your visit with SEAL Team Six Mr. Bin Laden?

"Ask any mermaid, you happen to see – who's the dead terrorist? Osama of the Sea!”

Happy Friday

2011-05-06T20:10:00.006-04:00

My work husband* got let go yesterday. He was the project manger for the upgrade I posted about yesterday. A really great guy and a great PM. He was a contractor who came on board last June. And he was vital to the success of this project.

He talked me off the ledge more than once. When I thought we would never make the go live date, he reassured me we would. He told me we things would go fine. And he was right.

I have a hard time understanding how humans relate to each other at work. It's a job people. In the relative scheme of things, work is nothing. You don't have to go home with each other. Work to live - not the opposite. (Oh sure - good advice from someone who worked until midnight last Friday).

I'll miss not having a work husband. The work boyfriend will have to suffice for now I guess.

My partner's boss is....ummm.. how do I say this.....a d#@khead. I see what she has to put up with every day and I feel her pain. People are funny creatures.

And work - well, it's a way to pay the bills and a place to spend some time so you don't have to be home cleaning the house all day.

Happy Friday to all you worker bees out there.

*Work husband - Not a husband in the literal sense of the word but a co-worker with whom you spend several hours a day working.

It's Live!

2011-05-05T19:51:00.004-04:00

The project I have been working on for over a year as the technical lead finally went live this week.

And if I wasn't so tired from being on day 11 of a 12 day stretch, I might actually be able to post something intelligent, humorous, or interesting. But then again, why start now.

It's already May? How did that happen? And if April showers brought May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Why the answer is simple my friends. Pilgrims. That's what May flowers bring.

Oh CJ, you really have been coding way too much.

Reality Check

2011-04-21T21:12:00.004-04:00

The vast majority of reality television shows are geared for straight folks, and most recruit hetero hard-bodies to participate. That is why I am proposing a new genre of reality television, one which lesbians everywhere can relate to. Here, in no particular order, is what I would like to see:

Survivor Ptown: Twenty-four ladies are divided into two flag football teams and left stranded on Herring Cove Beach with nothing but a case each of Miller Light and one pool table. Contestants must build shelter, find food, and fashion pool cues out of driftwood. Object is to out shoot, out smart, and out lay your opponents.

The Butchelorette: A spin-off of the wildly popular heterosexual version, this show would have 14 beautiful fems vie for a successful, handsome butch. Instead of handing out roses at the end of each round, the Butchelorette would give a softball to each contestant that survives the cut. On the season finale, the Butcherlorette chooses one lucky lady and presents her with a prepaid U-Haul rental agreement and a kitten.

Mel’s Kitchen: Take 18 vegans aspiring to be the country’s next culinary sensation, add in one hostile lesbian chef who hasn’t had sex since the 2002 Dinah Shore weekend, and you’ve got the makings of a super hot dish. Watch the tempers, tofu, and tempei fly as the ladies show off their cooking skills and their ability to turn flour, water, and a garden burger into vegetarian chateaubriand with portobello-mushroom sauce.

Dancing at the Bar: This show would air the first Sunday of every month from 3:00 p.m. to 7:00 p.m. It’s lesbo-a-go-go as the ladies are judged on their ability to execute all our favorite lesbian dances, including the Grind from Behind, the My Feet Are Planted in Cement But My Arms Work, and the Ten Shots of Tequila In and I Love You Soooooo Much Tango. Double points are awarded to those with non-repaired ACL tears who make it through an entire song without their knee popping out.

Dyke Swap: The premise is simple: couples with opposite interests and outlooks swap partners and hairstyles for seven days and must each take turns running the household. Start with a power suit–wearing, Ketel One martini–drinking, BMW-driving couple and have them swap partners with, oh, I don't know, let's say me and my partner (indulge me here, it's all part of my ongoing L Word fantasy, which does not have to stop just because the show ended). Would I be able to abide by ~~Bette’s~~ the household rules for an entire week? And, more important, how would I look with her hair?

The Amazon Race: Women jump in their RVs and race from campground to campground across North America in this somewhat fast-paced competition. That’s it. Not too much happens. They take some photos, read, and wash their clothes in a lake. Hey, it’s camping, it’s supposed to be boring.

*The above is a re-print of a post I originally posted Our Big Gayborhood.

Into The Closet

2011-04-08T10:04:00.000-04:00

As I was driving to the casino this weekend, I convinced myself that it was ok to go spend a little money and have some fun. Dropping money in a casino may only buy you a little bit of excitement for the afternoon but at least it wasn't going to take up room in my garage, basement, or closet like so many other ghosts of purchases past.

Juicers can really clutter up a kitchen cabinet. I bought one a few years back from a popular shopping channel. It was great fun until I realized that I did not routinely have six apples, three carrots, and fresh ginger root on hand every time I wanted a glass of juice. And let’s be honest here. What I really wanted to throw in that chopper was peanut butter cups, M&M’s and milk, which would have just clogged the thing up anyway.

The hair remover gel looked great on the infomercial. Funny how the woman on the television didn't appear to be bleeding after pulling the gel covered strips off her skin. Then again, she demonstrated the product on her legs. I kept the gel for a year or so just in case I needed to glue my truck to the driveway during a hurricane.

The electric abdominal stimulator was another infomercial inspired purchase that caused me some discomfort. I thought it would be a real time saver to be able to zap myself some six-pack abs, drink a six-pack, eat chips and watch pay per view, all while never leaving the comfort of my couch. The sensation of getting punched in the ovary every five seconds didn’t really thrill me however, and after using this device only one time, I tucked it neatly away in a closet. Somewhere.

I believed I could spare twenty minutes a day three times a week for eight weeks. Turns out, this was not the recommended exercise schedule but the amount of time required to assemble my treadmill/stepper/clothes hanger. And yes, this was another purchase inspired from one of those half hour commercials that run on Saturday morning. After nearly falling of the thing on more than one occasion I realized it was best to save treading for the pool and climbing for getting in and out of bed.

A bicycle is a reasonable purchase – if you use it. Of course I made sure it was all tricked out with a fancy seat, travel bag, and speedometer/odometer. To add that extra bit of excitement I had the garden-variety pedals replaced with toe clips, which as it turns out are not a very smart accessory for a novice rider. If you can picture a grown woman with curly black hair sticking out six inches from the side of her helmet (summer humidity in New England is a bitch) trying feverishly to clip out at an intersection before toppling over, you will understand why the bike now stays put in the garage. It wasn’t a good look for me.

*The following is a re-post of an essay I originally wrote for Our Big Gayborhood.

Embarrassing Work Moments Summary To Date

2011-04-07T06:16:00.002-04:00

Happy Thursday!

What better way to close out your work week than to enjoy the foibles of a fellow working class compadre? My embarrassing work moments have a long history and unfortunately seem to follow me from one employer to the next.

Clothing Mishaps

Clothing mishaps are usually due to lack of sleep or a hangover. I’ve experienced minor issues, such as wearing two different color socks or sitting at my desk for hours with a dryer sheet sticking out of my sleeve. I’ve nipped potential incidents in the bud, such as the time I had my shirt on inside out. I fixed that one before any of my co-workers arrived by quickly reversing my top in my cube.

Wrong Place Wrong Time

I walked into a meeting and took my place at the conference table. A few of the regulars filed in along with a few not so regulars. Oh well, special guests I thought. Within 15 seconds of the start of the meeting I knew something was not right. "What are we talking about?” I asked myself. When it dawned on me that I was sitting in a meeting to which I had not been invited, I put my head down and began to take notes. Image is everything.

Water, Water Everywhere

I carry a backpack to work. Inside the backpack are notebooks in which I track my work, my planner, and miscellaneous items like my water bottle. One day, as I approached my building, I could feel the back of my pants were wet. Apparently the little do-hickey thingy (technical term) for my water bottle popped off without me noticing. The bottle had leaked in the backpack and onto my backside, wetting all my notebooks and my bottom. So glad I wore khakis that day. I see London, I see France, looks like CJ wet her pants.

Gum Bum and Pee Pee Pants

My most unrecoverable incident was probably the time I went outside for lunch to enjoy some fresh air and I sat in a big wad of melted green gum, a sticky situation at best. Unless you have a change of pants you are pretty much screwed on this one. Fortunately, a caring work friend loaned me her hoodie to wrap around my waist for the rest of the day.

I’ve peed on my pants leg at work. I'm a squatter. I know sitting on a public toilet will probably not bring me irreparable harm but I just can’t do it. Hovering can be tricky business however - one rogue stream and you've got yourself a pair of pee pee pants. Luckily this happened at the end of the day. I quickly walked behind the buildings to the parking lot, glancing behind and downward to make sure the offending spot was not standing out too much.

How To Make A Good Impression

I remember one job interview I had many years ago. To my surprise, I knew one of the women that worked there. We hugged and kissed on the cheek as old friends do. I interviewed with two or three people that day. I was happy with how things went and was fairly certain I would be offered the job. I walked back to my car all pleased with myself. I got in the car, buckled myself in, and looked in my rear view mirror before backing out of my parking spot. Then I saw it. My friend in the office wore bright red lipstick and apparently thought I needed some as well as she had left a big red lip print on the side of my face. It would have looked ok if I was interviewing for clown school but it wasn't such a good look for your typical office. I just wish I hadn't worn such big shoes that day.

Here’s hoping you all have an incident free day.

*Embarrassing Work Moments Summary To Date is a re-post of an essay I originally wrote for Our Big Gayborhood.

Out Of South Africa

2011-03-31T05:57:00.003-04:00

Some wonderful friends, H and B, recently returned from vacation in South Africa. What's great about having buddies that travel to exotic places, is that they bring you back all kinds of cool gifts.

Even better, H and B really know my tastes. So when we hung out with them last weekend, you can imagine my excitement when they told me they had brought back presents. Here is what I got:

They obviously know how much I like to spend time in bush country. Everyone should have the opportunity to explore the bush, whether it be while on safari or right in your own backyard.

Thank you H and B. I will wear it, and the matching hat, with pride.

The Girlz - Forever In Our Hearts

2011-03-27T19:37:00.006-04:00

“What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.”

Helen Keller

Coco Chanel Chase September 13, 1995 - November 26, 2010

Cierra Belle Jameson Salli August 9, 2001 - March 24, 2011

Cierra Belle August 9, 2001 - March 24, 2011

2011-03-24T22:38:00.002-04:00

Rest in peace my sweet girl, rest in peace.

At The Vet Again

2011-03-22T18:43:00.001-04:00

At the vet for the 5th time since last Friday. New meds have given Cierra ann upset stomach and loss of appetite.

Even the buffet below didn't tempt her to eat.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Waite Corner Rd,North Brookfield,United States

No Fun For The Wicked

2011-03-20T09:50:00.004-04:00

The St. Patrick's Day Parade is today. One of the Holy Trinity of Drinking Days in western Mass. And I didn't go. Waaaaa!

With missed work due to vet appointments, not visiting my mother in the nursing home in weeks (the unit had been under a quarantine), and just general craziness, I opted to stay home while my buddies are out at the pub, drinking Guinness for breakfast and watching the parade march by.

I'll be working from home, visiting my mother, and picking up dog poop.

Hope your Sunday is a bit more exciting than mine.

Cierra The Wonder Dog Back In The Hospital

2011-03-18T20:16:00.004-04:00

Cierra had shown no interest in food for the last 24 hours so I brought her back to the Veterinary Emergency and Specialty Hospital in Deerfield, Mass. today. She was admitted to the ICU.

Blood work revealed a very low hematocrit, necessitating Cierra have a transfusion. An ultrasound of her belly showed all was well with her intestines - no internal bleeding or issues from her surgery two weeks ago.

The question now is why did the count drop so dramatically over just a few days. Cierra will stay in the hospital over night. Blood tests tomorrow will hopefully show her bone marrow is working and is producing new red blood cells.

Day by day.

Cierra The Wonder Dog

2011-03-15T20:49:00.006-04:00

Cierra The Wonder Dog had her first round of chemo today which consisted of a drug called vincristine given by intravenous injection in the right rear leg. She tolerated the procedure very well and only yiked once to show her displeasure of being placed back in her carrier. As of right now, she seems to be feeling pretty good.  We went home with some additional meds - prednisone, anti-nausea injections and anti-nausea pills. Fluid therapy, given by injection under the skin, has been increased from every other day to every day.

As a side note, Cierra's bum fire power has been classified as weapon of mass destruction as it has almost completely taken out my bathroom in just a week's time. I'm thinking of renting her out to the US Government in order to help pay for the cost of her treatments.

I picked up some very stylish doggie diapers to function as a pooplet proof vest of sorts, to be worn by the shooter (Cierra) instead of the bystander. I'm hoping she changes over to a more sturdy form of ammunition soon.

Now let's zap those bad cells!

My Dog Has Cancer And That Sucks March 9, 2011

2011-03-09T17:00:00.006-05:00

The view from above the baby gate

We got a definitive diagnosis today for our Yorkie Cierra. She has gastrointestinal lymphoma.

She is recovering from her surgery although she has been having lots of diarrhea (sorry for TMI). She has been contained to my bathroom. For two days now I have been washing the floor, the walls, Cierra's bum, and my clothes several times a day. It is difficult to keep up with it all, especially when we work full time. I have been taking extra work from home days, but find that I am very distracted by it all.

I never thought I would be giving my dog injections of anti- nausea medication and fluid therapy at home. It's a little scary.

The hospital called to get us set up on a schedule for chemo. We have appointments once a week for 8 weeks, then every other week for an additional 8 weeks. It's expensive but we are told dogs do very well with this treatment and the rate of remission is pretty good.

This will be my first of a series of posts regarding Cierra, her treatment, and how it is affecting our little family here. I'm happy to share any information I can as I know there are many dog lovers out there, some of whom may also have an animal suffering with cancer.

And again, I know this is a dog not a person. My father died of brain cancer and I am well aware of the difference between human and animal suffering and how a lot of people view the importance of one vs the other. Being sick sucks weather you walk on four legs or two.

And I will be posting my usual nonsense posts in between because laughter is good medicine.

If I Don't Laugh I'll Cry

2011-03-05T10:27:00.004-05:00

It hasn't been a good week. It's been a really shitty week actually. And it doesn't seem to be getting any better.

I found a picture that made me laugh. It's stupid, but at this point I'll take any distraction from real life that I can get. So here goes:

Cierra Update

2011-03-03T19:42:00.004-05:00

I must apologize dropping a couple of F bombs on my last post. Sometimes they just slip off my fingers automagically.

So, the Cierra update: The pathology on the aspirates from her belly were inconclusive. The vet recommends surgery so they can biopsy a lymph node and a section of intestine. We scheduled surgery for tomorrow. She'll be spending the night and if all goes well, will come home on Saturday afternoon.

She's feeling better thanks to the Archangels (yes- asking them for help really does work) and to your positive thoughts, which thrills me to no end. Thank you, thank you.

Power of Positive Thoughts

2011-02-28T15:23:00.008-05:00

Ok, my blog friends. Most of you know we lost our beloved Yorkie Coco the day after Thanksgiving. Now our nine year old Yorkie Cierra is in the ICU. An ultrasound has revealed enlarged lymph nodes and thickened intestinal wall - which can either be a caused by her inflammatory bowel disease or by lymphoma.

Blondie and are are devastated. Right on the fucking precipice of losing all our faith in what is good.

Please surround us in your thoughts and positive energy. Because seriously, if we lose another one of our precious dogs this soon after losing sweet Coco, it is going to take us a long fucking time to recover.

The picture above is the drugs/fluid therapy the ER sent us home with yesterday. I am somewhat relieved she has been admitted to the hospital because sticking a needle in her to hydrate her was not really rocking my world.

I know - it's a dog. But our dogs are family. They travel with us, they sleep in our beds, they are our world. And we are not ready to lose another one.

Red Carpets and White T-Shirts

2011-02-27T21:04:00.006-05:00

Just sitting here watching all the beautiful people on the Academy Awards. There is a reason people like me are not movie stars. When asked "Who are you wearing?" not one person answered pants by Levi Strauss, men's white T-shirt by BJ's Wholesale Club. When questioned about a pre-show meal, I didn't even hear the words M&M's, popcorn, or Reese's Pieces muttered. For once, I'd like the red carpet vultures to ask "What did you wear this afternoon to fit into that dress" and "Who are you eating?". That would be more interesting.

I can't imagine what it would be like to have the confidence to get up in front of all those people. I'd have to have a lot of beer to work up the nerve to do that and even then, I'd probably just want to moon everyone from the stage. "I'd like to thank my lilly white ass for supporting me all these years yadda yadda yadda."

Hey, I can't help it. I've been up since about 4:00am with a sick Yorkie. Spent a few hours in the animal hospital ER, and have been stressed out all afternoon. I am now an expert at taking doggie temperatures (and not under the tongue or armpit). And I just know one day I am going to wonder why the digital thermometer in the downstairs drawer tastes funny.

Gassy Guss

2011-02-24T08:24:00.000-05:00

The price of gas

will become a huge pain in the ass

when my trip down the Mass Pike

is made on my ten speed bike.

Is anyone else starting to get a little wigged out here? If gas gets up to $5.oo a gallon, it is going to cost me more to go to work than it will to stay home. WTF.

Happy 86th Birthday Irene!

2011-02-23T21:59:00.004-05:00

Irene and my sister with one of her new tops.

This was my supper. Green = vegetable, correct?

Three generations in a cake coma.

Choppers

2011-02-22T21:53:00.003-05:00

Note to self: When using a teeth bleaching agent that is 35% hydrogen peroxide, do not wear the trays overnight, two nights in a row and then attempt a third bleaching the morning after. The purpose is not to bleach one's gums.

Remember to RTFI, for then you would know that the recommend time is only 30 minutes, once a day, for three days.

The goal is not to be able to use your teeth, a magnifying glass, and some twigs to start a fire in the in the chiminea come spring time.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

New Edition

2011-02-14T07:53:00.002-05:00

Here's the latest edition to the household, Boo Boo. She is pictured below (the little blondie in the top half of the photo) hanging out with Cierra Belle.

Boo Boo is a rescue from Yorkies Inc. She was living in a shed in Maine with several other dogs. Her previous owner was instructed by authorities to reduce the number of dogs he owned. He thought by keeping several of them in a rented utility shed he could continue to breed these dogs and no one would be the wiser. Fortunately, he was wrong.

We are thrilled to have her be a part of our family. She is sweet, funny, loving, and just such a joy to be around. Welcome home Boo Boo!

Irene and Friends Quote of The Day February 13, 2010

2011-02-13T19:17:00.007-05:00

"Just like mother made it. That's why father has been gone so long."

There was more interesting dinner conversation this evening at the nursing home. My mother Irene sits at a table with three other ladies, all of them fairly lucid. One of the topics tonight was dogs. This is a popular topic which I've heard on more than one occasion. We talk about what type of dog each of the ladies had at some point in their life and what great pets they were.

The conversation took a twist when one of the women mentioned: "Every time my grandchildren come for a visit, they ask if they can wash grandma's Chihuahua. That's what I call my thing down there."

Oh my. Those kids must really want to make sure they have a line or two in Grandma's will.

Well, since the residents only get a full shower a few times a week, I can see how the 'ol Chihuahua may need to get out for some fresh air. But at just what age do we go from having a kitty to having a little dog? And I thought reading glasses and bunions were going to be troublesome. Little did I know.

Running Naked In The Snow

2011-02-04T07:09:00.005-05:00

One of the things which concerns me about all this now is the integrity of the roof. From what I've read, houses with pitched roofs, especially those built after 1978, are made to withstand great amounts of snow. Which is why I am concerned - because that is just what we have - a great amount of snow.

Of course my biggest fear is the roof collapsing while anyone is home. My second greatest fear is that we will get some warning, a creaking or moaning sound, and I will be home alone and in the shower, whereupon I will panic and run outside completely naked.

I can hear the comments from the neighbors now. "There's that CJ naked again in her yard. I thought she only did that during the summer when the pool was open."

The forecast for tomorrow is more snow. I'm thinking I need to keep my robe a little bit closer to the shower.

Traveling With Stiffy

2011-02-02T07:50:00.002-05:00

We took a road trip with Stiffy to the casino this past weekend to attend a wine and beer fest. Ummm Stiffy? You brought more toiletries for one night than I have in my entire bathroom. It's good to have a friend who is prepared for any emergency- a broken nail, a frizzy head, dry skin, chapped lips, stinky body parts, a zit, or a rogue nose hair. Way to go Stiff!

Here's a picture of us just prior to me being over-served. For some reason, I thought it would be really fun to have our picture taken next to a cardboard cut-out of The World's Most Interesting Man. I'm guessing by the way my arm is positioned that I had my hand on his private parts.

I have no idea who that person is behind me. She was probably well on her way to be over-served too as she thought she should stand in a picture with three people she did not know. Good times.

Climb Every Mountain

2011-02-01T19:21:00.006-05:00

Eight inches of new snow today. But wait - just when you thought you might lose your freaking mind from all the white stuff, you hear that it is going to get worse! Twelve to sixteen inches expected tomorrow.

Snow on the deck - almost up to the top of the chiminea.

Has anyone seen the mailbox?

Mt. Martini Cartwheels

When life hands you snow, make snow lemonade? Hmmm...maybe not.

I'm thinking of building snow bar for myself and Blondie and a Poo Poo Igloo for Cierra, our Yorkie.

By tomorrow, Mt. Martini Cartwheels should be up around 7 or 8 feet, just the right height for the aforementioned snow structures.

Happy Winter.

I'll Take The Former

2011-01-27T18:19:00.003-05:00

FEAST

FAMINE

Take A Letter

2011-01-26T20:42:00.006-05:00

Hi Winter,

How are you? It was snow nice to see you last week, as well as the week before that. And I'm looking forward to your visit tomorrow.

May I be so bold as to ask you a favor? Could you please leave your cousin, Freezur Assoff, at home next time you decide to drop by? He's a nice guy but he tends to give me the cold shoulder.

And one more thing - you may want to lay off the desserts. You are a little heavier than years past and both the deck and pool cover are showing signs of the stress of your weight.

So now that we have that out of the way, I think I will hit the rack. Feel free to pile up nice and high on the Mass Pike. I'm looking forward to a work from home day tomorrow.

Lots of Love,

Poop Deck

2011-01-23T11:38:00.004-05:00

Mourning Dove. I now know how this species was named for I am mourning the loss of my poop free deck. Apparently the fence is no longer the gathering spot for these creatures. And although the droppings on the fence rail were not nice either, they were further away from the house, could be sprayed off by a hose to a section of the yard not commonly used, and were not visible from the kitchen and living room windows.

And no, I don't think they fit in an Easy Bake Oven (see previous post).

Shovel, Shovel, Shovel

2011-01-21T22:00:00.004-05:00

I haven't blogged in a week? Bad CJ, bad. Put that shovel down and get in the house and start typing!

Speaking of shoveling, I was outside just a couple of hours ago, all dyked out in my flannel, shoveling beverage at the ready, clearing off another 4 inches of snow from the top of my car. I recomend Opa Opa Winter Strong to help you get through the process. I was nice and toasty.

Tomorrow I am going to my great-neices' birthday party. I bought her an Easy Bake Oven. I want one. I want to prepare every meal in an Easy Bake Oven for a year, blog about it, and write a book about how easy and delicious it was. Screw Julia and Julia. From now on it's CJ and The Easy Bake.

Somehow, I don't think you can cook meat with at 100 watt light bulb. Maybe omelettes? Steak Tar Tar? Suggestions?

Hands

2011-01-20T21:58:00.016-05:00

Tempus Fugit

Stiffy On Ice

2011-01-14T20:47:00.005-05:00

Stiffy is a hockey Mom. And I never imagined how much work goes into getting the kids all set for a practice session. It took me less time to get ready for the prom then it did for her youngest to get all geared up to get on the ice.

Going to the rink with Stiffy was a real eye opener. There were boys, there were girls, there were two year olds (not making this up) that were all getting dressed to practice. Here is the list of the required gear:

Shorts - with built in protection for the family jewels

Shin guards

Long stockings that velcro to the shorts and go from thighs to ankles

More shorts that go over the other shorts with padding for kidneys

Elbow Pads

Neck Protector

Chest Protector

Helmet

Gloves

Big shirt that covers all of the above

Gloves

Skates

You rock Stiffy. I don't know how you keep it all together.

Nor'easter

2011-01-12T19:18:00.005-05:00

Just sitting around wondering how much snow has to be on a deck before it actually collapses.....

I didn't want chance it myself so I sent my sled dog Cierra to check it out.

Yup, it looks safe.

How Many Points Do I Have?

2011-01-06T19:40:00.002-05:00

Nutrisystem worked great for me. I tired of the food after a few months however. So this January 1, I joined Weight Watchers. I've lost 3.5 pounds in three days! And I'm freaking starving!

I like the point system. But I have a few questions that I need answered before the weekend:

How many points in a wheel of cheese?
Does lifting a tall beer count as an activity? If yes, than I assume it is better to drink a Guinness as opposed to an Miller Lite.
Can I eat my 49 weekly over-flow points all in one sitting?
If I take the Skinny Serum that I normally put in my hair and rub it on my thighs, will it have the same effect? That is, will it prevent my thighs from sticking out too far sideways?

Time to go to bed and dream of hot fudge sundaes.

Buzzzzzzz

2011-01-04T19:27:00.004-05:00

I love the new bullet I received as a present. I've played with it practically every day since I opened the package. There are so many different ways to use it and it is so fast! I'm trying to take advantage of all the attachments but so far I've only gotten around to trying two of them.

I just plug her in and turn her on and start listening to her buzz away. The hands free feature is really convenient. Before you know it - a smoothie! Oh, and she is dishwasher safe too. You can never have too clean a bullet.

I can't wait to try making hummus and salsa!

I Won't Make This Mistake Again (Hopefully)

2011-01-03T20:03:00.005-05:00

I found a nice little surprise in my work backpack this morning. Any guesses as to what this may be?

It's not baby food, apple sauce, or poo.

It smelled bad.

Its skin was worse than its guts.

I'm a Dole Banana and I'm here to say,

I rotted in your bag while you were away.

I was green in the store when I was sold,

But now I'm all nasty and covered with mold.

Hot Mess

2010-12-28T11:59:00.018-05:00

Little Red Baby Butch

I remember that day. Hanging out at the beach for hours on end, getting my skin to match the color of my shirt. Swollen eyelids, blisters on the top of my feet, pimples gone, teeth white as can be (in contrast to my bright red face) - damn I looked good! Or so I thought. "Oh look at me! I'm so burned that I woke up with my eyelids stuck shut. How cool is that?"

Of all the stupid shit I did in my teens and twenties, the biggest regret I have is spending so much time in the sun with no sunscreen or a sunscreen with an spf of 4 or lower. All my friends did it. We thought it looked hot to go from pasty white to butterball brown with a week or two of flaming red and peeling skin thrown in between.

I went to the dermatologist a few weeks back. They love to dig things out of you don't they? To date most of the things I have had checked have been normal. But they leave behind a nice reminder to always use sunblock. I now wear a hat while sitting out by the pool and I only skinny dip at night, which not only saves my skin but the eyesight of the neighbors as well.

That's a shoulder not a nipple.

And The Best Player Is...

2010-12-23T22:20:00.001-05:00

I am out for with friends for dinner and somehow we ended up being part of a men's soccer banquet. This awards ceremony is boring me to tears.

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Location:Boston Post Rd,Wilbraham,United States